The Bus

THE LAB

I'm Back

I'm back 

After 3 months away, in Canada and the US, visiting Family and old friends, eating and drinking (gained 5 kilos) I came back to Olinda..I have to admit, I kinda missed the place, the  chaos. the loudness of the place. 

Don't worry Pernambuco Gypsy I did not abandon you, you're not alone..

Home sweet Home.. can it be true,  has the place grown on me? Have I become accustomed to the Chaos?

When out for a walk is looking at scenery and not having to look down not enough, Do I need rough sidewalks and crazy traffic trying to kill me a every turn to enjoy a walk? Is driving in designated lanes, shoulder checking, using signal lights  and head lights ( not just parking lights)  become to boring, Is it the thrill I seek? Living on the edge? Have I become an adrenalin junkie!

More to follow  

The Bus:

I have commented on the Bus'es in Brasil, and Others have written blogs about them. Catch a Bus in Sao Paulo and Onibus-tale-of-two-cities , but today I noticed something different, even though, Mario Andrette, or Arton Senna what ever the drivers name is, driving like he is about to poop his pants and needs a washroom, no one  but me seems to be hanging on for dear life, no one but me? I have a seat, on the shady side, it is important to get the shady side, if you don't want to cook and arrive at your destination with sweat stains from armpits to ankles. When you see a Brazilian bus remember It is not a suspension problem that causes a Bus to lean away from the Sun, it is because everyone is on the shady side. I am  being thrown all over and have 2  hands on the handle in front of me. Everyone else is relaxed, just kind of flopping around like fish in a net, or wieners in a boiling pot.. Then it hits me,  this is a "personal space" thing ( A concept they know nothing about in Brazil), they don't care if they touch someone  else, they don't care if they are swapping sweat on their arms, and thighs. Unlike me who is doing his best NOT to touch anyone, if I get anymore to the left I will actually be out the window, getting a knot in my shoulder from sitting sideways and hanging on to the front.OK  when in Rome.  So I let go, relax side of the bus supports me on the left, hairy smelly guy supports on the right..K  a little creepy but more relaxed, syphinkter not trying to take a bite out of the vinyl, kind of all right. Hmmm how much touching is OK....really..big hairy guy,  I'm using you for support, no need to get all handsy  on me, the toothless grin did it.. I'm going back to looking out the window two hands on the handle, a kink in my neck. F^*k Rome..

The Lab..

I am getting dental implants, in order to do this I need a “Sinus Lift” the Surgeon adds some bone in the sinus cavity . This adds bone mass for the implant to attach to....

The Surgeon needed me to do some blood work before he does the surgery.. Sugar levels, cholesterol, normal stuff.

So today I went to the Lab to have the work done, I was armed with, passports, CPF numbers addresses, phone numbers, health insurance card, list of tests etc. I had my Cell phone handy and if any sign of trouble, I was to call my wife (she was at work). What the heck how hard could it be to get blood taken, close your fist, squeeze let go.. what could possibly go wrong..

I entered the Lab, clean, looked OK, kind of looked first world, no VooDoo dolls or anything, saw a take a number do-dad, so I took a number, 806...then number on the electric sign was showing they were serving 003.. gezzz this could be long wait!.. I was then told by the mass of people ( all at the same time) behind me that the first digit was not working and the were working on 803..not 003..OK not bad 3 people to wait for.. There were lots of people, old people, in lines old people have preferential treatment, they skip to the front of the line... so my 3 number wait turned in to 20 minutes.

Once my number was called...I was pumped and ready to go, first thing I tell them to speak slow and to be patient.. so far so good. I unload my plethora of paperwork on the Lady.. GAWD people are slow here.. another 25 minutes of single digit typing and I was set to go.(In Brazil, the paper work ALWAYS takes longer then the real work), she hands me a cup and a test tube..what the hell! Am I supposed to draw my own blood, I didn't bring a knife!! This was not in the rehearsal.

She kept whispering something, and pointing at her lower lady parts...I leaned forward and I finally heard her say..”Urina”..I repeated...”shi shi” (Slang for pee, pronounced she she).. she nodded her head.. well I couldn't, I was dry, I did my best to explain, she responded by giving me a sheet of instructions, in Portuguese of course, I read it, figured it out, wash hands with soap, wash penis with soap, start peeing, catch the stream in Mid pee, don't want the starting part, don't want the ending part, get it to the lab ASAP.. and your golden.. BUT she wanted to make sure I understood. Being a foreigner and all, so we started a discussion, I understand more then I speak, and inevitably I revert to mimics..there I was mimicking washing my penis with soap, and a scrub brush, in front of the crowd of Old people...I must have done a good job.. no one had any further advise for me, they all looked pleased with my demo.

Now I have to join the crowd and wait to be called for the blood test, me and my little cup and tiny test tube..no bag to put them in.. just me and my “Kit”, shoulders back, chest out.. be proud you got this far son without having to call the Wife for Help, things could be worse, I could me mimicking over the phone!

Brazilians have issues pronouncing my name, the double 'r' and the 'ay' throw them off, It usually comes out sounding like 'Moo HI' or 'Moo Hay', So I have to be on my toes, this is not a sound that snaps me out of my waiting room trance. I find it best to just watch their face, if they scrunch thier forehead, purse their lips and look like they just ate something bad, and now need a little fart, this is the signal they are trying to figure out how to say my name..

The rest of the tests went like practised, she did want another Demo of the 'shi shi' procedure, but we were in private it was not as traumatizing, I passed a second time with no corrections. In and out in 4minutes and 40 seconds, I know this because she had a stop watch...now if they could be as efficient at the Front end..

I then proceeded home, glad to be on my own for a few minutes. Once home I had some coffee, lots of water, trying to force a 'shi shi'.. finally the feeling hit me.. I ran to the shower to put practise in to action... followed the same steps as in the demos.. no issues, glad I practised, did the deed, dressed and walked the 6 blocks back to the Lab to turn in my sample.

I tucked my head in my hat, bounced through the doors laid my sample (in an opaque plastic bag) on the counter, turned and headed for the doors...A quick escape was not to be.. much noise and commotion from behind the desk made me turn around, I was being waved back...I was praying they did not want a demo of my collection process, twice was enough. They pulled the sample from the bag, rotated it in the light, I guess to check vintage?.. Verified my bar-code, double checked my name, had me verify my name.. then apply the sticker (I would have worn plastic gloves, I know I was careful, but they don't.. oh well this is Brazil, a hardy bunch, they did it all with the tips of their fingers, much safer then using the whole hand), then after verifying my name on the same bar-code that I had just verified before she stuck it to the test tube, I was finally free to go..

Ahhh another adventure, wonder whats next!!

Atacadão

Atacadão

Everyone loves a bargain..

Atacadão is a wholesale store kind of like  Costco, all groceries, no tires and stereos, no fun stuff.. 

I love stores like this, but... this is Brasil style, the store is huge, and packed, lines at the check out are Very long,  so this is how you have to shop there. 

You need a minimum of 2 people.. you grab a cart, and enter put a couple of things in the cart.. then one person, we will call him A, goes and gets in line to check out. The second person, we will call her B, goes around the store, ( can you guess which person was me?) filling up her arms with stuff then when passing person A  in the line,  B  dumps her arm load of stuff in to the cart, smiles at person A, then moves off into the store to find more bargains on a gross of beans, or a bushel of rice.

It may sound like fun all fun and games for Person B,  but she has to navigate the aisles.. not easy here, no such rules as keep to the left, or watch your snot nosed kids, she has to dodge the employees  who park the restocking fork lifts in the way of clients,  thank god Person A  has the cart, you could never weave it through all the obstacles  . Person B has to fight with the large bottomed girls to get a good pick of the bargain cheese, but she does not have to stare at a sweaty hairy back for 2 hours..

Meanwhile Person A,  gets to stand and watch the slowest cashiers on earth, the examine every item, roll it around finally deciding you are worthy of the item, then scans it, on to the next item.. PAINFUL  to watch.. They give the cashiers chairs, is this why they are so slow, they are to comfy?

The people in front of you have the same system,  multiple shoppers, one Person A..but their shoppers bring them cases of stuff, their Person A then picks through the box and decide how many items from the case they need, ( usually 10 of the 12 in the case) dumping the rest of the items on the floor  in front of Our Person A's cart!!  WTF..opps there goes our Person B, where did she get a coffee..geezz, another Person A, from a shopping team behind our Person A decides  he wants some of the stuff left on the floor and puts it in his cart, ( this is good for our Person A, he won't have to  GRUNT an eyebrow crinkle, shoulder shrug and up raised hands,  the universal WTF.)  but when his person B sees this, She is not happy, he had no right to make a decision like that, they start pushing the cart into our Person A's  ankles, our Person A  is NOT happy about this and in his best Portuguese gives a GRUNT an eyebrow crinkle, shoulder shrug and up raised hands,  the universal WTF.

Person B does not want to stand in line, even though Person B promised Person A that they too would get a chance wander the store and see the wonders that grace the aisles , but no,  person B  times it just right,  she returns just as Person A reaches the cash register.. oh  like that wasn't planned.

Now it is your turn, the excitement...wait a minute the cashier  decides to cash out, and a new cashier is going to take her place..  ohhh gaaaawwddd  noooo.. now she has to do some cyphering .. my luck.. 15 minutes later.. did I mention they are slow? 

All paid up..

The parking lot is hilarious, you ever seen a Fiat mille,  the size of a shoe box, and the same shape.

4 doors and a 1 litre engine .. enough power to run the Air conditioner, OR  drive the car, but not both at the same time.. 

the 4 people from the shopping team in front of us, have so much crap loaded in to it

.... they have left no room in the back seat..  geez  should of thought of that before you bought all that crap..opps  I'm in Brasil.. not much fore thought going on here..but this is Brasil, if three guys on  motor cycle can handle a queen size mattress, a mille can do 4 people and a crap load of rice and beans. Not to worry,  driver in the driver seat, person in the middle, butt hanging into the back seat, balls on the stick shift, careful with reverse, and the 2  women doubled up in the passenger seat, hope they don't have far to go (not really,  I hope they have a 2 hour drive)..

Now all we have to do is drive home, ahhh another adventure in Olinda.. I wonder what tomorrow will bring..

PS  here is a TIP,  when you live in a hot and humid tropical climate, best not slather on the sun block then work up a sweat going to the barber..  the hair sticking to you won't just be yours!