The Lab..

I am getting dental implants, in order to do this I need a “Sinus Lift” the Surgeon adds some bone in the sinus cavity . This adds bone mass for the implant to attach to....

The Surgeon needed me to do some blood work before he does the surgery.. Sugar levels, cholesterol, normal stuff.

So today I went to the Lab to have the work done, I was armed with, passports, CPF numbers addresses, phone numbers, health insurance card, list of tests etc. I had my Cell phone handy and if any sign of trouble, I was to call my wife (she was at work). What the heck how hard could it be to get blood taken, close your fist, squeeze let go.. what could possibly go wrong..

I entered the Lab, clean, looked OK, kind of looked first world, no VooDoo dolls or anything, saw a take a number do-dad, so I took a number, 806...then number on the electric sign was showing they were serving 003.. gezzz this could be long wait!.. I was then told by the mass of people ( all at the same time) behind me that the first digit was not working and the were working on 803..not 003..OK not bad 3 people to wait for.. There were lots of people, old people, in lines old people have preferential treatment, they skip to the front of the line... so my 3 number wait turned in to 20 minutes.

Once my number was called...I was pumped and ready to go, first thing I tell them to speak slow and to be patient.. so far so good. I unload my plethora of paperwork on the Lady.. GAWD people are slow here.. another 25 minutes of single digit typing and I was set to go.(In Brazil, the paper work ALWAYS takes longer then the real work), she hands me a cup and a test tube..what the hell! Am I supposed to draw my own blood, I didn't bring a knife!! This was not in the rehearsal.

She kept whispering something, and pointing at her lower lady parts...I leaned forward and I finally heard her say..”Urina”..I repeated...”shi shi” (Slang for pee, pronounced she she).. she nodded her head.. well I couldn't, I was dry, I did my best to explain, she responded by giving me a sheet of instructions, in Portuguese of course, I read it, figured it out, wash hands with soap, wash penis with soap, start peeing, catch the stream in Mid pee, don't want the starting part, don't want the ending part, get it to the lab ASAP.. and your golden.. BUT she wanted to make sure I understood. Being a foreigner and all, so we started a discussion, I understand more then I speak, and inevitably I revert to mimics..there I was mimicking washing my penis with soap, and a scrub brush, in front of the crowd of Old people...I must have done a good job.. no one had any further advise for me, they all looked pleased with my demo.

Now I have to join the crowd and wait to be called for the blood test, me and my little cup and tiny test tube..no bag to put them in.. just me and my “Kit”, shoulders back, chest out.. be proud you got this far son without having to call the Wife for Help, things could be worse, I could me mimicking over the phone!

Brazilians have issues pronouncing my name, the double 'r' and the 'ay' throw them off, It usually comes out sounding like 'Moo HI' or 'Moo Hay', So I have to be on my toes, this is not a sound that snaps me out of my waiting room trance. I find it best to just watch their face, if they scrunch thier forehead, purse their lips and look like they just ate something bad, and now need a little fart, this is the signal they are trying to figure out how to say my name..

The rest of the tests went like practised, she did want another Demo of the 'shi shi' procedure, but we were in private it was not as traumatizing, I passed a second time with no corrections. In and out in 4minutes and 40 seconds, I know this because she had a stop watch...now if they could be as efficient at the Front end..

I then proceeded home, glad to be on my own for a few minutes. Once home I had some coffee, lots of water, trying to force a 'shi shi'.. finally the feeling hit me.. I ran to the shower to put practise in to action... followed the same steps as in the demos.. no issues, glad I practised, did the deed, dressed and walked the 6 blocks back to the Lab to turn in my sample.

I tucked my head in my hat, bounced through the doors laid my sample (in an opaque plastic bag) on the counter, turned and headed for the doors...A quick escape was not to be.. much noise and commotion from behind the desk made me turn around, I was being waved back...I was praying they did not want a demo of my collection process, twice was enough. They pulled the sample from the bag, rotated it in the light, I guess to check vintage?.. Verified my bar-code, double checked my name, had me verify my name.. then apply the sticker (I would have worn plastic gloves, I know I was careful, but they don't.. oh well this is Brazil, a hardy bunch, they did it all with the tips of their fingers, much safer then using the whole hand), then after verifying my name on the same bar-code that I had just verified before she stuck it to the test tube, I was finally free to go..

Ahhh another adventure, wonder whats next!!